I doubt.
Quite a lot of things actually. My own potential, relationships with friends, relationships with guys, love, trust, future hope... I definitely have my doubts.
It comes to the point where I doubt to much that I never let myself out of my shell. I create these safe walls around my life and my heart and don't let anyone or anything in that could possibly hurt me.
However, through the hurt comes the growth. I'll never be able to witness my full potential, or see my relationships with people develop into anything more than I let myself be willing to.
Life isn't all roses and smiles. Life sucks. Love hurts. Lies crush you. Betraying friends destroy securities. Until you no longer have any hope left.
I've never been a risk-taker in my life. Not ever. I will eat basically anything you put in front of me, but beyond that... no way. I've always had a fear that something would go wrong. That fear has obviously grown and carried on into my own life.
...I don't let people really get to know me.... well, ever.... I have my heart so guarded that I freak myself out when any guy tries to talk to me about starting something.... I don't really hope for anything, just in case it never happens.
Basically, I try so hard to stay grounded. Never getting my hopes up. Staying pretty negative on most things. Never really getting to know people in case they may hurt me.
I've realized that I need to let go. I need to give up my selfish intentions and let God handle it. If there is one thing that I don't and can never doubt in this world: it is my faith...
"You of little faith---Why do you doubt?"-Jesus
He is right! I shouldn't doubt that the life that Jesus has in store for me is far greater and more exciting than the life I'm trying to create for myself. I am destined to do great things and meet great people. I can't let my fears hold me back from my potential. My potential to live a life serving others in Christ's name.
Well... Those would be my ramblings for the night. I've been thinking a lot. Struggling a little. Prayer would be nice. :)
17.3.08
4.3.08
High School
Instinctively, I believe that humans are born with this "high school" mentality.
We become too cool for the basic happinesses of childhood, and end up turning into someone shaped by society. This, of course, isn't always a bad thing, and is necessary for anyone to come to their senses. Nonetheless, it is rather frustrating.
Think about it... Once we start, well like junior highish ages, its no longer "acceptable" to play with dolls or play "house" or "school."
We are forced to grow up... when really, we just grow into a less mature version of ourselves. We no longer want to go to real school or even look ahead to when "house" is no longer a game. The high school mentality makes us cynical about the real world and places this thought in our heads that the earth revolves around us. Reality check, (just incase you weren't sure yet), it doesn't. Actually, to make this as depressing as possible, hardly anyone would even care if you weren't on the earth anymore.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think that high school is worthless. In fact, I would never have been the same person I am today without my high school shaping years. But really, there is more out there than high school. That is one simple thought that I can't seem to get through to anyone. During my "high school" mentality stage, I obsessed over guys. And today, its one of my hardest issues to deal with in my past. I wasted so many years of potential friendships and character development on "relationships." (I did learn from those, but thats another story for another time). I tried to "grow up" too fast.
High school turns into these weird inbetween years; you always hear how little kids want to grow up, and old people want to be kids again. Well, where does that leave teenagers?
Stupid Disney movies, we worship them all growing up and expect our lives to be just like that. Odds are... no high school is even close to like "High School Musical" or "10 Things I Hate About You."
Its too bad that people try so hard to make their lives like these perfect movies, they end up missing out on the important things in those short four years.
Needlesstosay, I'm ranting. My point is that we need to love all people. No matter how different from us they are. They have hearts and feelings and tears too. Unlike the typical viewpoints of teenages, no one is any better than anyone else. We all fall and are broken and are intimately loved by the same creator.
What more could we ask for out of life?
SO.... After I wrote this post, I went and read "The Last Battle" by C.S. Lewis. (The last of the Narnia books...)
This, ironically, is what I read...
(To catch you up, King Tirian has just entered the stable door to find all the old kings and queens of Narnia except Susan)
"Where is Queen Susan?"
"My sister Susan," answered Peter shortly and gravely, "is no longer a friend of Narnia."
"Yes," said Eustace, "and whenever you've tried to get her to come and talk about Narnia or do anything about Narnia, she says 'What wonderful memories you have! fancy your still thinking about all those funny games we used to play when we were children.'"
"She's interested in nothing noadays except nylons and lipstick and invitations. She always was a jolly sight too keen on being grown-up."
"Grown-up, indeed," said the Lady Polly. "I wish she would grow up. She wasted all her school time wanting to be the age she is now, and she'll waste all the rest of her life trying to stay that age. Her whole idea is to race on to the silliest time of one's life as quick as she can and then stop there as long as she can."
(pages 154-156)
Basically, this just reiterates what I already said. However, unless you've read the book, you don't know that in the end all the family ends up dying and getting to live in the New Narnia, which is Heaven... except for Susan.
Don't get caught up on all the "nylons and lipstick and invitations." You end up missing out on more than just life... try eternity. (If you let that consume you).
We become too cool for the basic happinesses of childhood, and end up turning into someone shaped by society. This, of course, isn't always a bad thing, and is necessary for anyone to come to their senses. Nonetheless, it is rather frustrating.
Think about it... Once we start, well like junior highish ages, its no longer "acceptable" to play with dolls or play "house" or "school."
We are forced to grow up... when really, we just grow into a less mature version of ourselves. We no longer want to go to real school or even look ahead to when "house" is no longer a game. The high school mentality makes us cynical about the real world and places this thought in our heads that the earth revolves around us. Reality check, (just incase you weren't sure yet), it doesn't. Actually, to make this as depressing as possible, hardly anyone would even care if you weren't on the earth anymore.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think that high school is worthless. In fact, I would never have been the same person I am today without my high school shaping years. But really, there is more out there than high school. That is one simple thought that I can't seem to get through to anyone. During my "high school" mentality stage, I obsessed over guys. And today, its one of my hardest issues to deal with in my past. I wasted so many years of potential friendships and character development on "relationships." (I did learn from those, but thats another story for another time). I tried to "grow up" too fast.
High school turns into these weird inbetween years; you always hear how little kids want to grow up, and old people want to be kids again. Well, where does that leave teenagers?
Stupid Disney movies, we worship them all growing up and expect our lives to be just like that. Odds are... no high school is even close to like "High School Musical" or "10 Things I Hate About You."
Its too bad that people try so hard to make their lives like these perfect movies, they end up missing out on the important things in those short four years.
Needlesstosay, I'm ranting. My point is that we need to love all people. No matter how different from us they are. They have hearts and feelings and tears too. Unlike the typical viewpoints of teenages, no one is any better than anyone else. We all fall and are broken and are intimately loved by the same creator.
What more could we ask for out of life?
SO.... After I wrote this post, I went and read "The Last Battle" by C.S. Lewis. (The last of the Narnia books...)
This, ironically, is what I read...
(To catch you up, King Tirian has just entered the stable door to find all the old kings and queens of Narnia except Susan)
"Where is Queen Susan?"
"My sister Susan," answered Peter shortly and gravely, "is no longer a friend of Narnia."
"Yes," said Eustace, "and whenever you've tried to get her to come and talk about Narnia or do anything about Narnia, she says 'What wonderful memories you have! fancy your still thinking about all those funny games we used to play when we were children.'"
"She's interested in nothing noadays except nylons and lipstick and invitations. She always was a jolly sight too keen on being grown-up."
"Grown-up, indeed," said the Lady Polly. "I wish she would grow up. She wasted all her school time wanting to be the age she is now, and she'll waste all the rest of her life trying to stay that age. Her whole idea is to race on to the silliest time of one's life as quick as she can and then stop there as long as she can."
(pages 154-156)
Basically, this just reiterates what I already said. However, unless you've read the book, you don't know that in the end all the family ends up dying and getting to live in the New Narnia, which is Heaven... except for Susan.
Don't get caught up on all the "nylons and lipstick and invitations." You end up missing out on more than just life... try eternity. (If you let that consume you).
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