I doubt.
Quite a lot of things actually. My own potential, relationships with friends, relationships with guys, love, trust, future hope... I definitely have my doubts.
It comes to the point where I doubt to much that I never let myself out of my shell. I create these safe walls around my life and my heart and don't let anyone or anything in that could possibly hurt me.
However, through the hurt comes the growth. I'll never be able to witness my full potential, or see my relationships with people develop into anything more than I let myself be willing to.
Life isn't all roses and smiles. Life sucks. Love hurts. Lies crush you. Betraying friends destroy securities. Until you no longer have any hope left.
I've never been a risk-taker in my life. Not ever. I will eat basically anything you put in front of me, but beyond that... no way. I've always had a fear that something would go wrong. That fear has obviously grown and carried on into my own life.
...I don't let people really get to know me.... well, ever.... I have my heart so guarded that I freak myself out when any guy tries to talk to me about starting something.... I don't really hope for anything, just in case it never happens.
Basically, I try so hard to stay grounded. Never getting my hopes up. Staying pretty negative on most things. Never really getting to know people in case they may hurt me.
I've realized that I need to let go. I need to give up my selfish intentions and let God handle it. If there is one thing that I don't and can never doubt in this world: it is my faith...
"You of little faith---Why do you doubt?"-Jesus
He is right! I shouldn't doubt that the life that Jesus has in store for me is far greater and more exciting than the life I'm trying to create for myself. I am destined to do great things and meet great people. I can't let my fears hold me back from my potential. My potential to live a life serving others in Christ's name.
Well... Those would be my ramblings for the night. I've been thinking a lot. Struggling a little. Prayer would be nice. :)
3 comments:
Oh baby. My heart reaches out to you. I know how it feels to doubt. And to guard your heart. Never before have I felt that more. Risk taking does hurt.
Hey buddy, just know that you are always and always will be in my prayers... And you do have people that know you and are here for you, dont forget that. Me being one of them ok? You know me better than just about, if not, everyone. And i pray that you still believe that i know you just as well. And please please take advantage of that ok? I love you, more than you know. And i thank God every day for you and the impact you have made in my life and for making me the person i am today.
And also, i feel your pain. Dont forget, im alone in another town, where no one knows me for me. So i can somewhat relate... But just hang in there and stay strong. God is your rock. Friends are too... Dont forget about us alright?
Sincerely,
Brandon
P.S.- I would love to, if you have time and want to, go get some coffee or something with you and just sit down and talk. Would that be alright? Let me know ok? Thanks
I first started reading your blog cuz I'm bored sitting in an airport... But once I got into it i am taken away by it! You are so right in the way you see things. Its as if you are casually expressing universal truths! I love it! I pretty much have felt everything you stated. Hopelessness, distrust, doubt, protecting oneself etc. But never really knew how to express it myself. Amazing.
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