Decisions

There are very few things that i honestly hate in this world.
crumbs. eating in the dark. nonfive numbers. feet. times new roman. decisions.
i really hate decisions.

I just hate them.
There is never a decision to be made that doesn't hurt or affect someone else. No matter what you choose. Like honestly. Think about it.
What if you have to decide between a ham sandwich or a pb and j sandwich....
if you choose ham... you are either losing or gaining more money (depending on its price)
and then hurting the pb and j companies. and then what if someone else comes and wants a ham sandwich too.... except you used the ham they could have had.

never thought about that as complicated huh? but trust me. it gets worse.

do i want to go to suchandsuch college? or this college?
either way you hurt people and make people happy. you will have different expierences at either one, but which is the "right" one?

i don't know how much i believe in a "right" decision. which kind of throws my life for a loop since that voids wrong choices too. i don't even know. i'm ranting.

you know you have felt it... the pressure of deciding something as stupid as what to do one night. trust me. i usually give up and do nothing. ha... but that's because i hate deciding things. hate it. i hate hurting people. and i feel like that is what comes when you decide something. no matter what... there is a consequence... i just wish that all that hurt could fall back on me... usually it doesn't.

but also... indecisiveness leads to inaction.... which accomplishes nothing.

its a lose-lose situation. they all are if you really think about it. maybe you shouldn't though. then you might hate decisions as much as me. :)

its like that cake phrase. you can't have your cake and eat it too. (for those that need an explanation... don't worry, it took me a while to get it too. it basically means you can't keep and charish your cake, but also eat it all.... aka-you can't have the best of both worlds.)

I'm trying so hard to eat my cake and keep it all nice and pretty and perfect as well... It just doesn't work that way. Someone will get hurt. No matter what. Its almost unfair to decide for both parties. Whether it be a ham sandwich or pb and j...

I just wish I was the only one that would get hurt...



oh and after this post... you'll be surprise to hear that i am starting that new thing... the "http://www.acomplaintfreeworld.org/" deal. where you have that bracelet and everytime you complain you have to switch arms. i think it will help more people want to be around me. i'll let you know how it goes. :)

but until i get that bracelet... i hate decisions.

eye opener.

so i am working at this camp this week. its called camp invention. i'm a counselor and basically just lead a bunch of incoming first and second graders around and make sure they pay attention and keep their hands to themselves. (i can't tell you how many times i've repeated that in the past 2 days). anyways... today i had an eyeopener.
mind you that these first and second graders are only 6 and 7 years old. basically they are still in kindergarten. needlesstosay... they have potential to be a handful, but they are oh so cute. ;)

okay. so there is this one first grader who is adorable. really cute little boy. he is super tiny for his age and you can tell he has some sort of add or other attention disorder. (or maybe he is just 6.... this can be an excuse to not pay attention). so he is one of the kids that always has a teacher sitting by him and has to be reminded that he is in class and not to touch everything. i think he just gets bored. so monday, i tried working with him and everything. mostly i noticed that he gets super frustrated with himself and with other people when people don't understand him or when he can't communicate exactly what he means. i tried to help him spell "donut" and he freaked on me because he didn't think there was an "n" in it.
i was really worried that things were just going to go more and more downhill as the week went on.
however, today i had an eyeopener. so he was having the same sitting still, sharing issues as yesterday. but today, god specifically put him on my heart and mind. i was bound to figure out how this kid works.
so he might not be the best listener (if he does at all), or sharer (he doesn't really understand the whole teamwork idea), or participator (he loses interest rather quickly).... he is the most talented artist i've seen (in elementary school). he is so creative. we built spaceships today and he was all for it. (yes, he did want to make one all by himself and have no one help him, but he did an amazing job). he made this astronaut bed that was out of the most random materials, but was incredibly built.
it just melted my heart towards him. don't ask what exactly did it. (its not like i'm too prone towards the creative end of things) but i had basically been viewing him as inferior to the rest of the group and dreaded having to deal with him.
i couldn't have been more in the wrong.

so now i found a perfect spot for him and know what exactly makes him tick. its great. i love being able to reach a what seems like impossible to reach kid.
i'll let you know how the rest of the week goes. keep this beautiful child of god, mick, in your prayers.

awwhhh....

so the title of this blog is not some noise made in a scary movie, neither is it a noise made in... well... other movies, but it's that sound of relief. the sound you feel when weight is lifted off your shoulders. the sound you make when everything is falling into place. the sound made when you are at peace with yourself... and with God. its the sound of joy. celebration. completion. moving on. hope. reflection. serenity. its the same sound you make when you have just finished an eleven page paper for murphy and realize that you could have possibly gotten a "c" on it. the sound you make when you make the last pencil mark on a final, creating an experience that excites and liberates you. its the same sound made when you find an end to an argument, (or when someone tells you that you were right all along). this same "awwhhh..." noise is a chance for a break in life. it allows you to take ahold of time again. it brings you back into awareness of yourself. your "awwhh...." moment is a time out in your world. no one can take it away from you. yes, you may make this noise more often than not when you are about to fall asleep, but better late than never. this "awwhhh..." chance gives you time to take a deep breath and reflect on things. whether bad or good. happy or sad. you can inhale.... and then exhale.... life is so great.

i had one of these "awwhhh..." moments tonight. i got something off my chest and feel one hundred pounds lighter. it was liberating. this moment not only allowed me to get something out into the open, it allowed me to open my eyes and see what great things i have in front of me.

i have an incredible boyfriend. trust me, i'm not just saying that. or getting paid to say that. he is truly remarkable. i'm going to take some time to brag about him. just for the sake of giving him some credit actually.
i'm not the type of girl who shows off her relationship. usually, they make me uncomfortable because i see how superficial some get. or how ridiculous some teenagers are when they say how much they "love" that special someone. i especially am not a fan of touchyness. pda is nasty. ha. ask any of my friends. (there is this one couple i see in the halls all the time that are all over each other! gag me now..., but am i right, Jacque?) anyways.... i digress...
so the reason it's ironic that i don't like any of that ^ now, is because if you were to ask me a year ago... i would have said the exact opposite. i used to love public displays of affection and all the lovey-doveyness that comes with having a boyfriend. i used to love that attention. things changed. oh how things have changed.

so now, since i'm all anti the show of loveydoveyness. i'm going to give some credit to this guy who has become a best friend to me.
his name is anthony. from day one i was skeptical. (once again, i hate high school relationships). but now that i'm at day 62 (lol... i'm not really that type of girlfriend, just thought it would be funny to have in this), i have no doubts. God brought me this wonderful man. he is mine to fall crazily in like with more and more everyday. the fact that he can make me laugh and smile even when i'm in the worst of moods is enough for me. but oh no... it gets better... he deals with my mood swings, pms'ing, freakout moments, crazy days, my faces, me sticking my tongue out everytime i eat something, my family, and oh so much more. we can talk about anything. tonight was one incredible example of that. he not only encourages me and my walk with Christ, but challenges me to be more loving and caring and real of a person. i find more qualities of Christ in him daily.... some that i wish i could be better at. his love and joy he finds in helping others excites me. he likes me for who i am, and doesn't judge me at all for who i was. we can joke at each other's expense, and think we are both so funny.... looking. He has brought so much happiness and contentment and stablity into my life. God couldn't have brought him along at any better of a time. got to love the big man upstairs.... he's a pretty smart one. needlesstosay, i'm crazy about anth. and i wish he knew at least half of it.


and now i have realized that it is 2:12 am.... and i have to get up in 5 hours to take the SAT. awesome huh?
i'm so addicted to this blogging business. :)

pray for me? to let go and let God. i'm finally realizing that he actually does know what he is doing and talking about.

thank you. i will pray that you all have an "awwhhh...." moment soon enough. and that you can reflect on the wonderous ways God is working and moving within your life.

I have the coolest job ever.

Okay. So the title may or may not be self-explanatory, but for those of us who don't read titles.... i'll reiterate. I have THE coolest job ever.
(No... I'm not talking about working at Johnny's. lol).

so, this awesome lady spoke at my church, knew my dad, and needed help one day. she is an author of various christian novels and lives literally 2.5 minutes from my house. i went over there that first time and love her and her family. she's thirty(ish?). she wanted to be president when she was growing up. she went to school with the original intention of majoring in international communications, but later changed to a religion major. and then decided to become an author. (for those of you who know me.... no, i did not meet myself 13 years from now... we look nothing alike). anyways, besides the fact that she and i have so much in common, i helped her out for a couple of days writing handwritten cards to every single family christian book store in the u.s. it was a lot of cards.
then, i was dumbfounded when she asked me if i would like to be hired, part time as her intern-assistant. i, of course, accepted. and that's what i do in my spare time nowadays.
i assist an author. its awesome. its a whole different side to this whole writing deal that is oh so insiteful and facinating. it really is my cup of tea (as i realized today).
so the hours are completely flexible and its just a desk job basically. but its facinating.
today.... she asked me to proofread a study she wrote that goes along with a gary smalley book. (now most people my age would say... are you kidding me? that is not fun... but oh goodness. i had a hayday). I LOVE TO PROOFREAD. its totally a geeky-geeky uniqueness of me. ha.... she realized this when i caught things that she said that only she would have ever caught.
then, i got paid to read blogs that people wrote that reviewed her books. now this is the whole reason i'm not writing her name or any of her books names in this. because i don't want to have to find my blog in my inbox tomorrow to go through. ha. but if you really want to know, ask.
after all that snoop-a-looping, i got paid to go through the bible and look up scripture and different stories she could possibly use for the next study she is writing. i got paid to read the bible. now THAT is a cool job.

i also love her family. she lives on golf course , with a beautiful view. her and her husband have this super dorky relationship because they are both so so in love. its cute. and they have this adorable dog, hershey who just sat on my lap and cuddled with me all day.

needlesstosay. i love my job. i could totally do this for real someday. (not just the administrative assistanting) but like the legitimate writing of a book. it would be a dream come true!

pure bliss...

i realized that i only blog when i am upset. i assume that it is a form of my venting. however, i decided to blog in a happy moment of my vida for a change. today, for example... was a good day. some might even go as far as to say great.
i take so much for granted everyday that i miss out on the chances to take it all in and rejoice and enjoy every second of life. that is what today consisted of. it was truly wonderful.
even in the littlest moment of life, God is working. oh so powerfully. even if you feel insignificant. he sees the greater picture. just let go... and smile. :)

when everything seems to change...

Today was a sad day.
In spirit of reminiscing, I will recap what made today sad. You see... It all started at the end of last summer. I went to La Ciudad Juarez with the most amazing people you will ever meet. It was there that they became my inspiration. School started and right from the beginning things changed for me. I lost a best friend of around ten months. Granted, it was my own fault, but still, the transition was heart wrenching. I began to seek out those people whom I met in Mexico. They hung out with me, cried with me, laughed with me (and at me). Then, in February, I suffered an even more heart wrenching loss. I lost another best friend of even longer. Yet once again, those people were there for me. Even when I thought that no one in the world knew me anymore and no one honestly cared... They proved it to me. And now, well ... today was their last day of school. Never again will things be the same. They are all going off around the country to different colleges and moving on past high school to bigger and better things. Even thinking about it makes me all choked up. These people, who have inspired me to love life, and to not judge my life's worth on having a boyfriend, and to enjoy every second of everyday with all the friends you can, and to have a very nice verdant :), have changed my life forever. The impact they have all individually had on me is indescribable and unmatchable. I love these people. And hate that things are changing for them, but not for me.

There are times in life where things have to change. You can't hang on to memories forever. Sadly, I am not a liker of change. No, definitely not a big fan. If I'm happy... I am perfectly okay for things to stay that way forever.
This leads to many mistrusts and my ongoing lack of faith in Christ. You see, the more I am worrying about times changing, the less I'm trusting Him.

My new motto in life, (yes, I know that's corny), is "Let Go, and Let God." I've never heard it put in such simple terms. Hearing that was a life changing concept. Rather than saying: "I just need to give up everything to God and let him handle everything," it is put in such layman's terms. Creating a much more simplistic effect. Because really, how could it not be easy to trust this extra-amazing God, our creator, who loves us more than the flowers and sparrows, and knows the exact count of all the hair on our heads, and who knit us together in our mother's wombs... How could we not trust that god easily and simply? But no, as humans... we complicate things. We try and figure things out on our own. Thinking of course that we know best. We begin to see God so much more deisticly than we even realize. If we can't trust him with something simple, then that is what we are doing. We are proving by our actions that God is just a simple bystander in our lives.

Luckily... He's not. He, who placed the stars in the sky, wants to know us. Wants to know me. Even after my countless rejections towards him. He wants to be my friend. My best friend and closest ally.

How could one not fully "Let go and let God" when it can be that easy?
I just have to keep reminding myself of that...

Doubts and Fears

I doubt.
Quite a lot of things actually. My own potential, relationships with friends, relationships with guys, love, trust, future hope... I definitely have my doubts.

It comes to the point where I doubt to much that I never let myself out of my shell. I create these safe walls around my life and my heart and don't let anyone or anything in that could possibly hurt me.
However, through the hurt comes the growth. I'll never be able to witness my full potential, or see my relationships with people develop into anything more than I let myself be willing to.

Life isn't all roses and smiles. Life sucks. Love hurts. Lies crush you. Betraying friends destroy securities. Until you no longer have any hope left.


I've never been a risk-taker in my life. Not ever. I will eat basically anything you put in front of me, but beyond that... no way. I've always had a fear that something would go wrong. That fear has obviously grown and carried on into my own life.

...I don't let people really get to know me.... well, ever.... I have my heart so guarded that I freak myself out when any guy tries to talk to me about starting something.... I don't really hope for anything, just in case it never happens.

Basically, I try so hard to stay grounded. Never getting my hopes up. Staying pretty negative on most things. Never really getting to know people in case they may hurt me.


I've realized that I need to let go. I need to give up my selfish intentions and let God handle it. If there is one thing that I don't and can never doubt in this world: it is my faith...

"You of little faith---Why do you doubt?"-Jesus

He is right! I shouldn't doubt that the life that Jesus has in store for me is far greater and more exciting than the life I'm trying to create for myself. I am destined to do great things and meet great people. I can't let my fears hold me back from my potential. My potential to live a life serving others in Christ's name.

Well... Those would be my ramblings for the night. I've been thinking a lot. Struggling a little. Prayer would be nice. :)

High School

Instinctively, I believe that humans are born with this "high school" mentality.
We become too cool for the basic happinesses of childhood, and end up turning into someone shaped by society. This, of course, isn't always a bad thing, and is necessary for anyone to come to their senses. Nonetheless, it is rather frustrating.
Think about it... Once we start, well like junior highish ages, its no longer "acceptable" to play with dolls or play "house" or "school."
We are forced to grow up... when really, we just grow into a less mature version of ourselves. We no longer want to go to real school or even look ahead to when "house" is no longer a game. The high school mentality makes us cynical about the real world and places this thought in our heads that the earth revolves around us. Reality check, (just incase you weren't sure yet), it doesn't. Actually, to make this as depressing as possible, hardly anyone would even care if you weren't on the earth anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think that high school is worthless. In fact, I would never have been the same person I am today without my high school shaping years. But really, there is more out there than high school. That is one simple thought that I can't seem to get through to anyone. During my "high school" mentality stage, I obsessed over guys. And today, its one of my hardest issues to deal with in my past. I wasted so many years of potential friendships and character development on "relationships." (I did learn from those, but thats another story for another time). I tried to "grow up" too fast.

High school turns into these weird inbetween years; you always hear how little kids want to grow up, and old people want to be kids again. Well, where does that leave teenagers?

Stupid Disney movies, we worship them all growing up and expect our lives to be just like that. Odds are... no high school is even close to like "High School Musical" or "10 Things I Hate About You."
Its too bad that people try so hard to make their lives like these perfect movies, they end up missing out on the important things in those short four years.

Needlesstosay, I'm ranting. My point is that we need to love all people. No matter how different from us they are. They have hearts and feelings and tears too. Unlike the typical viewpoints of teenages, no one is any better than anyone else. We all fall and are broken and are intimately loved by the same creator.

What more could we ask for out of life?




SO.... After I wrote this post, I went and read "The Last Battle" by C.S. Lewis. (The last of the Narnia books...)

This, ironically, is what I read...

(To catch you up, King Tirian has just entered the stable door to find all the old kings and queens of Narnia except Susan)

"Where is Queen Susan?"
"My sister Susan," answered Peter shortly and gravely, "is no longer a friend of Narnia."
"Yes," said Eustace, "and whenever you've tried to get her to come and talk about Narnia or do anything about Narnia, she says 'What wonderful memories you have! fancy your still thinking about all those funny games we used to play when we were children.'"
"She's interested in nothing noadays except nylons and lipstick and invitations. She always was a jolly sight too keen on being grown-up."
"Grown-up, indeed," said the Lady Polly. "I wish she would grow up. She wasted all her school time wanting to be the age she is now, and she'll waste all the rest of her life trying to stay that age. Her whole idea is to race on to the silliest time of one's life as quick as she can and then stop there as long as she can."
(pages 154-156)

Basically, this just reiterates what I already said. However, unless you've read the book, you don't know that in the end all the family ends up dying and getting to live in the New Narnia, which is Heaven... except for Susan.

Don't get caught up on all the "nylons and lipstick and invitations." You end up missing out on more than just life... try eternity. (If you let that consume you).

P.S. I Love You

"I bet you've had a hard time walking into a room full of people on your own, right? Yeah. I know that. I know what it is not to feel like your in the room until he looks at you or touches your hand or even makes a joke at your expense, just to let everyone know... you're with him. You're his." -Patricia from P.S. I Love You

So, I saw that movie this weekend.
It was a great movie.
My initial reaction was "I'm never getting married."

But after some thought, how could you live without that love? How could you have ever lived your life to the fullest if you never found the most important thing to you?

Now... I can't wait to find that kind of passion and romance.
All I need is the patience. :)

Issues.

I have an issue.
Yes, I realize the last blog was about problems... But I believe these are two very different words.
Issue, to me, is a permanent problem. One that could last forever.
Therefore... I have an issue. (Probably more than just one, but its not a time to dwell on that).

I lose things easily.
Things literally slip right through my fingers. Here one minute and gone the next.
It gets rather frustrating.
Especially when it isn't a material thing that was lost. (You can't even spend time physically looking for it--- not that i typically would. lol).

I've lost something. At one point in time, it was very, very valuable to me. I could even go as far to say irreplaceable.
I can't quite figure out what to do... whether "to cry because its over or smile because it happened." (<--- corny quote). But really, I assume that its for the best, but I can't seem to want to let go. To be so used to something for a long time and suddenly be to blame for the downfall?
Its incomprensible for me.
The reality of my loss has yet to hit me, but when it does... someone better be sitting around holding a box of kleenex for me....

Scarier yet... I don't know if I have that "someone" who would do that.
The person I lost might just be that "someone."

I have an issue.

Problems.

I have a problem.
To many people, that probably sounds like old news. And to some: no news at all, considering everyone has problems.
I realize this. But do you know that feeling when the whole world might be falling on your head and you don't even realize it because you are so consumed in thinking about that one thing or that one person? That's been me this past week.
Needlesstosay, its been a long week.

I have a feeling someone is trying to tell me something. What that is, I'm not fully aware yet, but I'm getting there.
I think the lesson I'm beginning to learn is that I am worth something. That various people might never realize that but as long as I know that... I'm all good.
I am learning to cope with my faults and rejoice with those things that I am good at.

I kind of like this whole liking myself deal. Its hard to get used to. But I'm realizing that it really doesn't matter what I think of myself or what others think either... just God's opinion. No matter how many times I fail myself and I fail other people... I still have a number one fan. One who I never have to prove myself to or do anything at all for that matter.

Its nice to know I have someone that powerful and loving on my side.
...Even when it feels like the whole rest of the world is against me.

Valentine's Day

Do you remember when Valentine's Day was just another excuse to have a party in elementary school? Where you would take time to make that special mailbox and assign different valentines to your classmates?
Obviously, like any good elementary student, I loved Valentine's Day back then. Everyone got the same amount of Valentines and the same amount of candy. It was kind of communistic in a way... Apparently today's society has strayed away from that. (That could possibly be a good thing :) ).
But really. What is Valentine's Day to people now?
As far as I have heard...
1) There are plenty of people that dread it. (I am in that category).
2) There are the girls/guys who have dreampt (sp?) about the perfect valentine for years.
3) There are the brokenhearted ones who can't get their minds off of how things could have been...
4) There are the people who celebrate it because they have to.
5) And there are those who thoroughly enjoy it.

What ends up happening to all these groups of people?
1) They continue to hate it and the whole point of the day backfires as they get put in a bad mood.
2) They get let down and have to keep dreaming of that perfect day.
3) They just cry. All day long.
4) It ruins the point because its a forced action to a natural emotion. They are told they HAVE to show love this one day and do so out of obligation.
5) I guess they end up happy... Unless their day is ruined and then they fall into categories 2-4.

The original purpose of this holiday was to supersede the pagan holiday of Lupercalia. (According to my relible source of Wikipedia :)). How ironic is it that a day originally put into place to end a demonic holiday... has turned into more of a pagan holiday. It isn't like we take time out of our Valentine's Day to worship God and show love to Christ.
The superficiality of this holiday takes the uniqueness and rarity out of the word love. Its ridiculous how overused that word is in our culture. There is no longer much meaning and intimateness behind it. (I do admit that I am guilty of overusing this word on more than one occation). Sometimes I wish that English had more than one word for love. In Hebrew... "LOVE" consists of three words. Ahava, Raya, and Dode. All combine to form the perfect love.
To me: Valentine's Day is not a good way to show a girl you love her. It is a good way to show obligation to her... But ask anyone. A girl would so much rather get flowers/chocolates/valentines on a random day of the year, rather than one where everyone else gets it.

Be unique. Don't overuse the word love. Show people you love them, instead of just doing it, ("Actions speak louder than words"- To be corny). Don't be pagan about this "holiday." Turn it into a chance to shine God's love to the rest of the world. Most importantly, love everyone, everyday. Not just on Valentine's Day. :)